Forgiveness

I used to think that forgiving happened when a person apologized. Like, "Okay, you said sorry. I forgive you now." I also imagined this being the way I would forgive nameless. I would sometimes brood in past memories of his emotional abuse, and then I'd imagine him coming back to fix the damage he'd done. I think the disappointment came when I would repeatedly see that he hadn't changed. In reality, he never came back to fix the damage. He never really came back at all, no matter how much I gave. And of course thinking of that fact made me angry. Then to see that he was clearly aware of his crappy actions, but still continued to act haughty and prideful towards me, as if he wasn't wrong...that pissed me off. This guy left me emotionally drained, mentally bruised, and left me to pick up my own pieces. I had no energy or no strength left to gain it. I had nothing because I gave all of it to him hoping that he would get better. Of course I wanted him to pay for that. I never wanted to forgive him...but somehow I decided to try.

Most recently, just now actually, I'm starting to realize that forgiveness isn't waiting for the person to come back and repent; it's forgiving them even if they don't. Even if they never will. Forgiving nameless is still not an easy decision at all. All of the tears, pain, and mental stress that guy put me through I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of my forgiveness. HAHA, no. But it wasn't about releasing nameless from his faults. Forgiving nameless was about releasing myself from the wounds he caused me. The more I thought about how much he hurt me, the more I wanted him to be sorry for what he did. By continuing to give energy to the past, I was only putting more salt on my wounds. By forgiving him I'm setting myself free. I'm separating myself from the past and I'm focusing on the fact that, mentally, I'm in a better place right now. What nameless did to me is no longer relevant.

Lastly, I want to make it clear that forgiving nameless is a daily process. It's definitely not a 

completed process. Like I said, the last thing I want to do is work on forgiving him but I want to know what it means to truly let go.

Until Next time.