Forgiveness

I used to think that forgiving happened when a person apologized. Like, "Okay, you said sorry. I forgive you now." I also imagined this being the way I would forgive nameless. I would sometimes brood in past memories of his emotional abuse, and then I'd imagine him coming back to fix the damage he'd done. I think the disappointment came when I would repeatedly see that he hadn't changed. In reality, he never came back to fix the damage. He never really came back at all, no matter how much I gave. And of course thinking of that fact made me angry. Then to see that he was clearly aware of his crappy actions, but still continued to act haughty and prideful towards me, as if he wasn't wrong...that pissed me off. This guy left me emotionally drained, mentally bruised, and left me to pick up my own pieces. I had no energy or no strength left to gain it. I had nothing because I gave all of it to him hoping that he would get better. Of course I wanted him to pay for that. I never wanted to forgive him...but somehow I decided to try.

Most recently, just now actually, I'm starting to realize that forgiveness isn't waiting for the person to come back and repent; it's forgiving them even if they don't. Even if they never will. Forgiving nameless is still not an easy decision at all. All of the tears, pain, and mental stress that guy put me through I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of my forgiveness. HAHA, no. But it wasn't about releasing nameless from his faults. Forgiving nameless was about releasing myself from the wounds he caused me. The more I thought about how much he hurt me, the more I wanted him to be sorry for what he did. By continuing to give energy to the past, I was only putting more salt on my wounds. By forgiving him I'm setting myself free. I'm separating myself from the past and I'm focusing on the fact that, mentally, I'm in a better place right now. What nameless did to me is no longer relevant.

Lastly, I want to make it clear that forgiving nameless is a daily process. It's definitely not a 

completed process. Like I said, the last thing I want to do is work on forgiving him but I want to know what it means to truly let go.

Until Next time. 

Now, Later, or Never

Going back and forth with my head is so tiring. I'm the type of thinker that no matter what I always go to the extreme with any given thought, and then I get so fixated on some particular aspect of that thought until I'm finally in a very, deep, emotional well. Whew.
I just get so frustrated from trying to figure out everything, knowing that I can't! Sometimes I just want answers so bad that I will rack through every lobe of my brain until every last drop of mental energy I have is diminished. And then after that, I'll try and scrape the last of that mental energy to go back and re-rack my brain. After that? I just hope my prayers get answered at that point.

Yes. I have a problem but the first step is acceptance.

Anyway, I do all of that in an attempt to come up with what? Peace? Comfort? Validity? What would come out of knowing the answers to everything right now? Would it help me? Hinder my growth? What the heck do I know? That's just it: I don't know anything! My mind is literally not capable of being omniscient, and I need to accept that. I don't know what the heck is going to happen tomorrow, or in a few months, or in a year. I can make plans, but I won't actually know if they'll happen. Sometimes you make plans that don't end up happening and sometimes they do, but either way you won't know until it happens. Right? I'm rambling.

It's scary thinking about what I don't know because I'm only thinking through my own mental limits. I can only think based off of what I know and I have seen, but I'm also capable of thinking so much higher. That being said, I made a commitment to actually start learning to love myself. It sounds so cliche, but I really want to learn to fall in love with myself. I mean getting to know who I really am, and not who I am based off of the things that have happened around me. And now that I'm starting to care more about myself, I'm also starting to care less about putting mental energy into things that don't concern me right now. I mean, if it's not going to benefit my personal growth, then what's the point?

I say all of that to say this: I won't always know the answers to everything that happened or will happen in my life. Whether I get an answer now, later, or never, what matters is that I have everything I need within myself. Myself is the only thing that I have physical control over. That means I literally just have myself. I don't have mind power over anyone else but me. So if someone close to you disappears from your life, yeah it's gonna tear you apart, but you can't control whether that person leaves or not. You can only control how you handle yourself.

So here's to not knowing the answers to my life right now and falling in love with myself in the meantime. Cheers.

Until next time.

I am the Master of my Thoughts

Just when I thought I was on the right track, BAM, I get hit with emotions I thought I had dealt with.

For the past couple of weeks, I've found myself reliving the past, which brought back certain emotions and I didn't know how to handle it. I found myself feeling angry and hurt all over again as if all of this personal growth I've gained went straight out the door. I talked myself through all of the questions and the confusion, as if I had never been through it before. I literally thought something was wrong with me. I thought, "Well great Temp, back to square one." But no it's not that I wasn't over it, it's just that the mind is a thing of its own. 

Even though you can't always control what comes into your mind, you can control what you do with whatever does come into it. Instead of dismissing the past, I entertained it, which I shouldn't have done. I could feel myself sinking, and I continued to torture myself  instead of just telling my mind to STOP.

I really wish I could get my brain shocked or something, you know? Like just so I can completely have no memory of nameless and what he put me through. That would mean no. reminders. EVER. Wow. Imagine that. 

Point is, I've already gone through the heartbreak and I'm past that stage of my life. When things like the situation with nameless comes back to me, it doesn't mean that I'm still in that same place of hurt because I know that I'm not. It's just that when my thoughts remind me of that place, I have to tell my mind that I'm not in that place anymore. I have to make those thoughts stop because NOTHING will come from me thinking about them but more tears, and a reminder that I don't want over my head.

So, I will make the effort to no longer allow whatever comes into my head about the past to have a hold over me. I'm not in that dark place anymore, and I never ever want to go back to that. I came too far to go back now. It's just all in my head. And I have gained more than enough mental power to take control and fight those thoughts. I am the master of my thoughts. I just gotta remember that. 

Until next time.

P.S: The link to my sister blog Tales of a Broken Heart was broken (ha no pun intended) but it is now up and running.