It is Well with My Soul (Unbothered)

First, I want to apologize for the pause. Second, I want to say that I'm not here to talk about nameless. In fact, this blog is solely about me, my thoughts, and what going through this part of my journey looks like. I really don't wanna mention him at all after this blog post because he's no longer relevant. Haha, I sound like I'm over him, huh? That's because I am. See, you know you're not completely over someone when the thought of them being with someone else bothers you, even if it's just a tad. But I don't even care. That thought doesn't bother me one bit. Honestly, I most recently came to this revelation like last week, so I'm still feeling this out. As of now, however, I've never felt so free from that feeling of losing someone. I mean, let's face it, I lost him a long time ago when he became an emotionless caveman from internalizing so much instead of talking to me. Anyway, I can't explain it but I really just don't care.

I know I said I'd talk about what was stopping me from moving forward so let me get to that. I said that if nameless crossed my mind I'd go right back to analyzing things, and sometimes I'd even tear up (just a tad bit). But what was stopping me? Me wanting him back in my life? No (I already came to the conclusion that that probably wasn't gonna happen anytime soon if not at all). It was literally what he left me with. He left me with so much pain, that I wasn't prepared to handle. So, when he crossed my mind I wouldn't think about him or how I missed him, no. I thought about the things he did and said that left me confused and hurt. I thought about how I literally put all that energy into him just to see him treat me like a stranger, and look like he wasn't bothered one bit about it. And it made me so angry all over again. So, it wasn't him stopping me from moving forward, it was the trauma that he caused, and the anger that followed every time I was reminded about it. I literally had to go through all of that without any type of closure, and so I continuously kept reliving it. Yeah no, it's not fun. BUT I can say that I never imagined that I wouldn't not care about that whole situation with nameless. 

This also gives me insight for other situations that may occur in my life: It really does get better. So instead of putting all of that mental energy into something that bothers me, I'm going to force my mind to be at ease. Even if I feel torn, confused, or angry about something, that situation will eventually pass, and it will be well with my soul in the end. 

Until Next Time

Digging up the Grave

Last week I was faced with a realization that I haven't been able to come to terms with until now. I could say there's a lot of things that I didn't want to confront as far as my feelings towards nameless, and I didn't realize that was holding me back from moving forward. I honestly thought I was going somewhere, but to me the point of moving forward is not just about not looking back. It's about looking back and not feeling the need to go back to that place you were in. I think when you truly move forward, you should be able to look back and not feel that pull to relive, analyze, and sulk in the past. That's how I know I wasn't truly moving forward. I thought because I pushed past how I felt, and kept going with my everyday life that I was moving forward. But once something crossed my mind about nameless, or if he came up in a subject, I went right back to analyzing and trying to figure him out again. Then I'd go back to trying not to think about it, and continuing on with my life. It's almost like I was walking up an escalator that was going down.Yeah, sure it felt like I was going somewhere but in reality I was just repeating the same steps.

So, I've come to terms with the fact that I haven't been moving forward. I also think that it's time for me to start taking the real steps to move forward. The first step is to find out what's stopping me from moving forward, but that's for the next post.

P.S: I've said this in my last blog and I will say it now: if you are going through it, don't feel like you have to move forward and act the part. It's always good to push, and it's great if your mind is trying to move in that direction. I'm just saying it's not easy moving forward from something that tore you apart, and you shouldn't have to act like it is when it's not. That's damage that cannot be undone overnight, in a week, or even in a year or two for some people (like me). You have to heal at your own pace, not when people expect you to heal. 

Until next time. 

Reinventing my Heart

Imagine the stages of a baby being formed in his/her mother's womb. How it took time for that child to grow before entering a new life. This is how I want to describe what my heart is doing. The pain of heartbreak shattered my heart yes, but time liquefied it. Making my heart pliable so that it could be molded into something new, and ready for a new beginning. I don't even know if that makes sense or if I sound crazy, but when I think of trying to fix a shattered heart, I think of taking those pieces and trying to put back together the heart you used to have. And I feel like for so long, I was trying to do that. I was trying to reconnect the pieces of my heart together because I longed to be the old me again. That fresh-hearted girl without a doubt in her mind. To be honest, I still try to do that. I treat my heart like it's a puzzle: trying to figure out which piece of the old me goes where. When it's only caused me so much more pain and confusion because I'm not that girl anymore. I'm not the girl who was so in love with nameless, who trusted him with all of the heart she used to have. Nameless isn't the same guy I used to love, so why am I trying to put back together the same heart I had for him?

I've come to the conclusion that it's not about putting back those pieces. It's about taking those pieces throwing them into a hot kiln (think about melting glass) and making something new out of them. 

Until next time.